Awesome Gendo
by Saphroneth
Summary: Gendo is the most awesome parent ever.  Well, here anyway.  Pretty much pure crack.


Awesome Gendo

* * *

"Father…" Shinji stared up at Gendo, the Ikari family meeting for the first time in years. "Why did you bring me here?"

Gendo adjusted his glasses. "I need an audience. You will pilot the Evangelion."

Shinji's eyes widened in shock. "What, you mean, I have to fight that thing?"

"No." At this, the boy's hopes rose. "You will have to help clear the city up."

The ground shook, and the Commander turned to a screen. "Fuyutsuki. I require immediate clearance to launch to the surface."

Kozou Fuyutsuki nodded in assent. "Lift behind you is being routed to the city."

* * *

Gendo stood before the enormous body of Sachiel.

He held out a clenched fist before him, then waited until the Angel ponderously moved a hand to match.

The two shook their hands towards one another. Once, twice, then Gendo held out a flat hand with all fingers together. The angel's was a fist.

Sachiel emitted a mournful moan, and exploded. Gendo absently opened an umbrella as red blood rained down.

* * *

Gendo stared at the huge, shelled form of Shamsel.

Silently, he took out a napkin and tucked it into his collar, then pulled out a fork and a small hammer.

"You interrupted my lunch."

* * *

The Commander stepped from the lift just before the form of Ramiel, and opened a case. Twelve bident forks made of metal lay within.

He selected one, then struck the lower surface of the Angel with it. Frowning at the result, he took the next tuning fork up.

This result was apparently more satisfying. Coughing into his hand, he whistled a loud, pure note.

The Angel of Thunder vibrated, cracked, and then smashed into a million pieces.

* * *

The crew of the Over the Rainbow gasped at the sight. The Commander of NERV Japan was calmly manoeuvring a small wooden fishing rod over an equally small net.

Dangling from the line was an enormous fish – easily the size of a battleship.

* * *

Israfael and Israfael emerged from the sea, stopping at a huge platform built across the bay.

Gendo walked slowly up the steps to the top of the platform.

Half way there, he encountered Misato and Fuyutsuki, the latter with a music player. Without pausing, he took off his jacked, handed it to Misato, then nodded to his teacher and continued climbing.

At the top, he took a moment for a deep breath, then snapped his fingers.

Music began.

The JSSDF soldiers who had erected the platform watched in awe as the Commander of NERV danced. Mouths hung open. One soldier began openly weeping at the beauty and poise of the dance.

When the song came to a close, he calmly drew himself up and faced the Israfael.

The two looked at one another, then exploded in unison.

Gendo nodded to himself, then walked back down, taking his jacket from a blushing Misato.

* * *

The volcano roiled as Sandalphon hatched, becoming a lava monster of enormous size.

Gendo poured a bucket of iced water into the crater, forming a lid of rock.

A series of rhythmic thumps echoed from the lid, before a sad moan emitted and a _boom_ as the Angel exploded.

* * *

Gendo sighed, then reached up to the spidery leg and snapped it.

Matariel tumbled to the ground screaming.

Gendo took his mobile phone out. "Fuyutsuki. This one could have been handled by someone throwing a rock at it. It was missing an AT-field."

"_I'll register a complaint."_

* * *

Sahaquiel plunged from the sky towards Tokyo-3. The EVAs stood back, watching, as the Angel of the Skies prepared to annihilate the entire fortress-city, along with most of the rest of Japan.

Gendo tightened his grip on his baseball bat.

Gendo walked in to find the entire bridge staff in a panic about an angelic virus. Walking across the base to the main MAGI terminal, he eyed it for a second.

Then gave it a good kick.

With a thump and a puff of smoke, the infection of Iruel disappeared.

* * *

Gendo strolled over to the edge of the enormous black shadow and chucked a crate into it.

"Sir?" Hyuga asked. "What was that?"

"Flashbangs." The commander threw a second in. "Magnesium flares." And a third. "N2 mine."

Leliel screamed for a second, then vanished with a dull thump.

* * *

"Unit 3 ready for activation. About to cross the Absolute Borderline."

"Wait."

Gendo's voice halted everyone. Slowly, he walked over to the form of Unit 3, still in the gantry, and climbed the ladder up to where the Entry Plug sat.

Taking first a cloth, then a spray can from his pocket, vigorously shaking the can as he did so, he proceeded to give Unit 03 a thorough polish.

Apparently satisfied, he took the cloth back down with him and threw it in the incinerator shaft.

Everyone looked at him.

"There was an unsightly blue spot on the Plug coating. It looked unprofessional."

Alarms went off. "Blue pattern detected! In the… incinerator? It's gone silent."

Gendo smirked behind his hands. "Record the destruction of the Thirteenth Angel, Colonel. That's what it gets for being called the _humiliated son of God._"

* * *

Zeruel's victory was complete. The EVAs stood in their cages or defeated before him.

But there was a Lillim in front of him, showing no fear at his presence…

Gendo ordered the platform advanced. With a whirring of machinery, the small gantry extended agonizingly slowly towards the stationary form of the Angel of Might. Gendo stood motionless at the rail for the full time it took to reach his foe, then pulled off one of his gloves and lightly slapped Zeruel across the face-mask.

After doing so, he pulled it on again and had the platform slowly retracted again until it was once again flush with the edge of Central Dogma.

Then he adjusted his pair of white gloves, and took a boxer's stance. "Bring it."

* * *

"Sir," Maya gushed, "That was the most awesome thing I have ever seen in my life!"

Gendo nodded urbanely. "Well, I was a little worried when he swallowed me, but of course that just put me closer to the core, and, well – you saw the rest, of course."

Misato laughed. "More than that, we have the videos of it! One of the security cameras survived!"

* * *

SEELE watched the video in silence.

05 spoke up. "Do we really want to fight him, again?"

01 sighed. "This changes nothing. If he does not allow Tabris to initiate Instrumentality, we must force the issue ourselves."

03 gulped. "Can… can I not be involved?"

* * *

Arael prepared to send down the mental probe/mind assault beam. The Angel of Birds would find out what the Lillim were doing to fight off the Angels… or drive them insane. Either result was, frankly, a good one.

Gendo smirked behind his glasses and held up a six foot mirror.

* * *

Gendo steepled his fingers and stretched them out as Armisael, Angel of Judgement, approached.

The four EVAs watched for ten seconds of gradually more high-pitched squeaky noises.

Gendo walked over to Unit 00 and handed Rei's EVA an enormous balloon animal.

"Happy birthday."

* * *

"You lillim make such beautiful music." Nagisa said to Shinji.

Gendo walked over and handed Kaoru a music player. The albino boy checked the album listing, and handed over a small attaché case labelled with "S2" in return.

"Excellent. Nice doing business with you, commander Ikari."

"The pleasure is all mine. Shinji." The boy started. "Take note that it is not always necessary to defeat an enemy through force. Bribery works just as well."

By that point Nagisa was lost to the world, sinking into the sheer beauty of Beethoven's complete works.

* * *

"GO GO GO! Secure control of the entire base, and kill any NERV personnel – including the pilots!"

The UN special forces swarmed through the Geofront, searching out anyone they might find.

After almost ten minutes, it became clear to them that the whole base was empty.

"Damnit, where are they?"

The nine MP EVAs looked around, confused. Shouldn't there be something to fight?

Then a signal came over the methods of communication only possible with AT-fields.

"Attention, Kaoru-type Dummy Plugs. This is Tabris. NERV has Beethoven. And _Brahms_."

All nine looked from one to the other, then took off for the source of the signal.

* * *

Nagisa looked up from his control panel. "They're clear, sir."

Gendo steepled his fingers. "Excellent. Trigger the bomb."

* * *

With an almighty BANG, the Geofront shook as if in a force-nine earthquake.

* * *

"Shinji, Rei, Asuka, Toji. Now."

All four regular EVAs under Gendo's command exerted their AT-fields as one, and the Geofront went flying straight into the sun.

* * *

From the mobile command centre set up on the small island of Iwo Jima, Gendo and the Children looked out on the world.

Nagisa turned to Gendo. "Sir, you essentially rule the world. Now what?"

Gendo smirked. "Simple. Now all the EVAs get deployed to take out Seele. Since Adam, Lillith and the Lance were all on the Geofront when it… escaped, I think they are something we can't possibly allow. And Keel is mine."

* * *

Lillith blinked. She was sure that something was supposed to be happening about now…

Adam's embryonic form swum over to her in the photosphere of the sun. **Well, we screwed this one up three ways from Sunday.**

**Adam?** Lillith thought, shocked. **Weren't you assigned to the third planet?**

**Long story.**

* * *

Omake:

Misato frowned. "Where are the Commanders and the Pilots?"

Hyuga shrugged. "Something about engaging the final Angel."

* * *

In a small chapel constructed under the Geofront last week:

"For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer…" Fuyutsuki droned, running through the ceremony with his shiny new certificate off the internet propped up beside him.

Shinji straightened his tie and fiddled with the rings, and Asuka failed rather thoroughly to look demure in her bridesmaid's outfit. Carrying the train of a really quite elegant white dress.

Gendo, from the position of Father of the Bride, smirked behind his glasses as Rei and Kaoru followed every word of the unfamiliar custom from the star positions.

Getting hold of Beethoven's unpublished Wedding March had been a tough job even for NERV, but it had certainly paid dividends.

"You may now kiss the bride." Fuyutsuki finished.

The two angel/human hybrids complied.

The ground shook, and a series of ominous red on black rings formed above them, expanding outwards until they once more broke contact.

Kozou walked over to Gendo. "We'll have to find a way of stopping that from happening."

* * *

Omake 2:

* * *

"You Lillim make such wonderful music," Kaoru said dreamily, and turned to Shinji.

Or where Shinji had been. There was just his rapidly fleeing form, vanishing over the nearest hill.

Kaoru frowned behind his KISS facepaint. "I wonder if it is something I said…"

* * *

Gendo broke down laughing. Which, for him, meant an open smile. "Fuyutsuki. Remind me to thank Aoba for the loan of his CDs."

"It worked, then?"

"Yes. The Third will now not want to be in the same room as the infiltrator."

* * *

AN: Thanks to my brother for substantial inspiration on this one.

May involve a time looping Gendo.


End file.
